No tags yet.
So... hello again! It has truly been a while :)
So... I didn't end up following through with my plans to write here more often but much has happened since the last time I posted back in spring 2019: I've moved a few times (and am moving again soon); I've worked at my first full-time job for 2 years (next week!!); I finished seminary at DTS this past December (at last!!); I've met some amazing people who've come into my life.
I really feel as though, after these past 2 years, that I've finally found my joy.
Back in 2018 I felt so lost, discouraged, and frustrated, and I initially went into 2019 ready to shed those feelings but instead they grew and I continued to struggle with feelings of dissatisfaction with the life that I'd made for myself here in Dallas. I felt stuck in a rut of my own creation and eventually, towards the end of 2019, frustration and discouragement gave way to apathy and self-criticism. I felt helpless and alone despite being surrounded by such an encouraging group of people in my life; I think it's so strange how loneliness always seems to bloom in the most crowded of spaces. It's only looking back this year did I realize how loved and cared for I was by my friends and family, and how truly thankful I am for each and every one of them for not giving up on me.
As fall came around, I felt this crushing weight of dissatisfaction as I neared the end of my time at DTS and stress from assignments & finances seemed to crush in all at once. In response, I buried myself deep into entertaining distractions - one after another - just to find some solace and comfort, but nothing seemed to satisfy. As my habits grew more self-serving, I noticed how distant I had grown in my walk with God and how empty I was becoming. It felt as though a thick, transparent wall had been erected between myself and God, and I could see all the goodness and freedom on the other side as only my lonesome kingdom of self-interests surrounded me. None of my hobbies were necessarily bad on their own, but no amount of hours of watching television or reading webcomics could reach the places of my heart and mind that needed & desired true intimacy and relationship.
In the end, all things came to a head as I entered the New Year and reflected on not only how I had spent the last several months but on who I was becoming; I was not the kind of person I wanted to be nor was I experiencing the life I knew I longed to have. So, I sat with myself and asked,
"What kind of person do you want to be this year?"
That one question changed everything. It made me come face-to-face with all aspects of myself: the parts I liked and admired; the parts I despised and wanted to hide; the parts I wish would change, and the parts I knew that could. I knew I couldn't do it on my own and that I had only one Source to turn to after coming to the end of myself and my own capabilities.
Over the next few months, I peeled away the distractions that consumed so much of my time and slowly, painfully revealed the parts of myself that had to change. I dedicated myself to pursuing my spiritual disciplines once again and found myself enjoying the process once more; I had a renewed fire for singing worship, reading and sharing the Word, and being in community with others. I had returned to God with greater desperation and prayed,
"Do what you want; my hands are open to You."
And, oh how He has.
I went into 2020 with no plans, ambitions, or goals created by my own will; I just offered it all away to Him because I knew that the plans I try to make for myself would never truly satisfy. And in that one act of surrender I feel as though the wall of separation that has haunted me the past several months has been torn down, and I can feel the refreshing breeze of freedom and joy from the other side. As I abandoned my kingdom and chose to serve the one true King, I have been given so much more than I could've ever hoped, dreamed, or imagined.
I have so many desires and plans that I'd love to see come to pass this year, and I know that they will in due time for He is faithful. God has reminded me these past few months again and again that I have not been abandoned and that He desires to give, not only me, but us good things - and that we are allowed to hold onto them with both hands and treasure them. And so, I am holding onto joy and hope this year - and it couldn't have come at a more pressing time.
2020 has been a truly heartbreaking and painful year for so many of us already, and I pray that we would experience healing & joy and that that the pains we have suffered would be comforted and held close in tender understanding. I know things seem to be falling apart all around us as we enter an unknown, isolated, and fearful season this year, but I cling to the hope in knowing that God is in the business of restoring, renewing, and rebuilding people, situations, and circumstances that seem utterly hopeless and destitute. And I only pray that my story offers just a glimpse of what He's capable of because He truly is able to do so, so much more.
