What I've Learned From in the Dark

So... it's been a minute haha

Here's a brief update on what's been going on since this past December followed by a semi-long post of recent happenings:

• I applied and got hired into a medical scribing position that I had to quit because of the time conflict with my school schedule

• I served alongside several talented and passionate seminary students and helped co-lead my first missions conference at my seminary

• I (unsuccessfully) tried online dating and well... Imma just stick to the old fashion way lol

• I started seeing a therapist who actually looked like me (natural hair and er'thang) and it was great!

• I hit a financial pitfall in January after switching degrees which made me lose my scholarship that paid for half my tuition, so I worked part-time as a barista and now know how to make coffee

• During this time, I grew more and more financially insecure and so I applied for a job at EY that I never in a million years thought I would get... only to receive an offer letter

• I've now been working full-time since May at EY in a role that allows me to use my administrative gifts. As a result, I now have an income lol

• I moved out of my seminary dorm and into an apartment with a friend from church where we became friends with our subleaser (Sharon!!) along the way by watching "The Crown" together

• I GOT A DOG!! Her name is Angel; she's a 5 year old Chihuahua who is small and quiet and cute and... well, you get the idea :) She's my ESA and really helps with my anxiety and depression, which brings me to my next point...

• I sunk into depression in June and started seeing a new therapist in July (my previous one took a leave of absence at the end of May), and so far so good!

• My mom visited Dallas TWICE this summer and it was great to spend so much time with her as she helped me get adjusted to living on my own since...

• I moved into my first "real" apartment by myself and am now learning the value of budgeting, cooking, and "adulting" - it's a LOT harder than I thought it would be but still rewarding

• I'm currently on a leave of absence from seminary this fall after finishing an online class this summer. In the meantime, I'm taking two affordable community college classes to help defer my student loans so I can start saving for next semester/year

• Overall, I really just want to take some time to reorganize my finances and press into where God is calling me to serve, as I have many interests and passions but no clear direction as to where they could be leading me

• So, that's basically everything in a nutshell. It has been a LONG season of highs and lows with many laughs and tears along the way, but this is where I am now.

Overall, this summer has been particularly difficult for me, especially with my recent bout with depression - I had several moments where I've felt so alone and unseen to the point that I even contemplated leaving my church. And that... that is not an easy thing to say. Anyone who knows me knows how much I've been blessed by my local church communities and how much I truly love going to church, but that was how far my depression pushed me: I was willing to pull away from the very source of encouragement that I needed in order to feed into the lies of my depression and loneliness. I'm just so, so thankful for my pastor and several key people in my life who refused to let me go, otherwise I would have missed out on one of the greatest blessings I didn't know I needed.

These past two months, I've been attending summer leadership training at my church with the purpose of realigning our hearts to be in tune with our mission statement: "to love God, love people, and make disciples". Throughout the training, we've been reading "Emotionally Healthy Leadership", hearing and sharing our testimonies, engaging in regular prayer and worship, playing games to learn more about each other, attending seminars on active listening, and conversing about the next steps for our church. This past weekend, we kickstarted the final portion of our training (to "make disciples") by having a retreat based on the theme of "Discipleship". At first, I almost considered not going because I had an exam the following weekend, multiple homework assignments due the following week, no way to pay for it (as I had just paid my rent), and no one to watch Angel while I was away.

But, God...

When I say He made a way... every single reason I couldn't go was rectified exactly an hour and a half before I left for this retreat - I'm still amazed how everything just fell so perfectly into place that even Angel got to come with me! While I was there, I didn't have any expectations but God showed up in such a powerful way and spoke much needed truth into my heart. Though the theme was on "Discipleship" I really felt like every message was targeting an area of my life:

• When we learned about the importance of genuinely seeking to understand God in order to know Him, I was reminded that I was known and seen by a powerful and loving God Who patiently waits for me to seek His face and that I am never alone and unseen and passed over by Him.

• When we learned about how to recapture our emotions to better love God and His people, I could've fell out right then and there haha I was just so convicted about how I had allowed my emotions to overwhelm my life and how I had tried to hold onto them so tightly out of fear of losing control that I had forgotten to offer them over to the One Who could give me peace.

• When we learned about investing our time to pursue the kingdom of God and were challenged to let go of our futures, I knew that God intentionally brought me to that retreat with a purpose. I have been wrestling with what to do with my life and whether I should pursue full-time ministry, full-time work in medicine, or bi-vocational ministry. After this retreat, I still don't know but I feel much more confident that I am stepping in the direction of where I need to go.

The retreat ended with a Sunday service about having a life so focused on Jesus that even in our old age we will still burn with the same fire to serve Him as we did in our youth. And I truly want that so badly for my life. I don't know what will come tomorrow, or the next day, or the day/week/month/year after that... but I do know that I can choose each day I've been gifted by God to love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength and to love His people so well to the point they know the gospel is real. And that... that is far more satisfying, far more fulfilling, and far more worthy than any other pursuit on this side of Heaven.

After coming home and reflecting, I can honestly say that after walking through such a dark season these past several months I feel as though my heart has been renewed and made clean. Before this retreat, my heart was bruised and damaged with the scar tissue of hardheartedness, frustration, and bitterness. But now... now my heart feels ready to love and sing and give again; it's ready to truly fall in love with the Lord with no more hinderances in its path - like a reunited lover; it's ready to see what God can do with the pieces of my brokenness; it's ready to grow and bloom and flourish; it's ready to live again.