Seminary, Suffering, and Solitude

So... it's been a while. Like... almost 5 months (haha) But, I wanted to give an update on how this first semester in seminary has been and what my hopes are for the new year.

Honestly, if anyone has been following me on social media or has spoken to me these past few months then you know it's been a rather bittersweet journey. I came into seminary kind of distant and heavily guarded for the first time in my life; my heart wasn't in it and I was worried that the hurt I experienced from friends last semester was only going to be magnified by strangers I just met.

Now, I've always been a very tender-hearted and emotional person, which I really resented this summer. I grew more and more angry remembering all the people who had taken advantage of and exploited my kindness, and my desperate need to keep those that hurt me around for fear of being alone. I slipped into a depression that was unlike any I experienced before; I wasn't emotionally sorrowful, just endlessly hopeless that my condition was never going to change. I spent days just ruminating over the idea of forever being hurt by people who never really wanted to know me and only kept me around because they knew they could. This mentality created a tension in me where on the one hand I wanted to be accepted by people so Texas wouldn't feel so lonely, but on the other hand I was just tired of always taking the initiative and being the first to approach people - partly because I feared rejection, but largely because I was just done dealing with people. My heart was completely raw and beaten, and so I started to build up my walls as thick as I could so that it didn't have to feel. In my mind, I had conflated feelings with vulnerability and I thought my heart was done being vulnerable.

But, my heart yearned to be surrounded by community and to make friends in a new city with new people. I still naively believed that starting over would be easy since I've done it more than five times already as a child, but now, as a college graduate and young adult, I learned how hard it really was to start over. Coming from spending almost 24 hours a day with my friends on a tiny campus living life together to spending the majority of my day alone in my suite was not a smooth transition. Not at all.

As I explained to a counselor I visited during the first two weeks of school, I thought that if I improved my attitude and had a more cheerful, positive attitude then I would attract people who would find me interesting as one of the handful of people from "New York" or whatever. Then I thought that if I just participated in more conversations that people would see that I'm available and down to hang out. But when no one was responding and I felt passed over for more "interesting people", I fell back into my depression as my mind began resurfacing thoughts I thought were long buried:

You're so easy to ignore, don't you get it by now?

What makes you so easy to ignore and reject?

Why do you think you're so special?

Why bother meeting people who'll only ignore you?

Gosh, you're so annoying.

Just stay at home and stop bothering people.

You really thought talking to them was going to make them like you?

Please, you obviously aren't worth their time.

Just take a nap like you always do and go away.

Just, go away.

See, no one even knows you're gone.

Depression sucks, and more importantly ... it lies to you. All. The. Time. It takes your insecurities, darkest thoughts and anxieties, magnifies them to the size of the sun, and reflects it back at you at point blank range. It doesn't allow you to experience anything else besides what it wants you to and has the ability to swallow you whole. Depression isn't "sexy", an interesting quirk, or an entertaining plot-line; it's scary and has the ability to snuff you out.

Depression kills, which made the passing of Jonghyun from SHINee this week slightly triggering but more so just truly and utterly heartbreaking. So much of the thoughts he had written in his note were feelings I unfortunately could relate to. During the semester, I truly felt unknown and unseen, and I lacked a community of people I trusted or was close with enough to share these thoughts with. That's why I'm eternally thankful and grateful for my mom who checked in on me everyday and always answered my video calls no matter what time of the day it was to just talk and listen to me. Honestly, my emotions and thoughts can worry us both sometimes, but we are walking this journey together along with my counselor and - most importantly - with Jesus, who's been delicately tending to my wounded heart and anxious mind.

Depression and anxiety are two things that I am trying to grow more knowledgeable in so that I can be a more mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthier person not for others but for myself. So, in light of that, I've been praying and thinking a LOT about the future and how I can't live my life in fear of letting others down or take on anyone's expectations or demands of me that I am unable to give. Therefore, in 2018 I am aiming to do a few things for myself to explore more of what I want and to give myself some much needed mental rest and restoration:

1. I hope to work part-time in the medical field this year

2. I hope to take post-bacc summer classes at a local community college

3. I hope to study for the MCAT this fall so I can to apply to med school

4. Yes, you read that right, I want to apply to med school, but that's a WHOLE other post (and yes I've thought hard about this decision)

5. I hope to take more online classes so I can have more time to explore Dallas

6. I hope to meet with a counselor more often to work together to improve my mental and emotional health

7. I hope to be more at peace with the idea of being in solitude rather than being "alone"

8. I hope to say "yes" to more opportunities to be in community with people rather than isolate myself

9. I hope to be more honest with my emotions to those around me here in Dallas

Those last few points are so important for me to learn as I can spend almost 8 - 10 hours in my room by myself some days, and I want to view my room as an opportunity to recharge, decompress, and rest rather than to retreat and isolate myself. I have been immeasurably blessed by some awesome people I've met this semester who have been truly kind towards me. I hope you don't view this post and think that all their effort, kindness, and patience has gone unnoticed; my mind and heart are broken, and I often don't take the time to rest in the small glimpses of God's favor towards me as much as I should. But I am learning and I hope those around me will be patient with me.

I know this has been kind of a heavy post and you may have a ton of questions about where I am now mentally and emotionally. Thankfully, as the semester has come to a close (and I'm finally done with my final/papers), I have been feeling less and less burdened and stressed; my mood has improved and I've spent the past few weeks meeting and hanging out with people who I normally didn't when the semester first started. I'm learning to balance my work/study and play/fun time more efficiently and I'm working on my procrastination so I can enjoy my semester more next year.

Next year, the word I envision myself stepping into is "RENEWAL". I feel as though there will be many things that change, that start over, and that must be sacrificed and ended, yet I can't wait to see what grows, heals, and flourishes as a result.