Between Guilt & Grace

Lately I've been wrestling with receiving the love of God.

I know, I know that sounds crazy, right? But seriously, I have. I've been going through this season since last semester of how to balance the guilt I feel when I sin against God with the grace that I receive from Him when I sin.

Some background: for twelve years I suffered from mental spiritual warfare where I would condemn myself ALL the time and when I was really young it even drove me to have suicidal thoughts and depression; like I honestly thought that God was only loving to the dedicated few and I had to constantly prove myself worthy of His love.

So yeah, I understand the weight and burden of condemnation well.

Yet these past few years have been the most freeing, and I've been able to thirstily drink in God's love and grace towards me freely and unashamed, which has been such a tender joy. I realized how much I was in bondage and how I wasn't allowing myself to walk in all aspects of my God-given identity: yes I was a sinner, but I was so much more than that; I was redeemed, set free, set apart for greater things, and - above all - deeply, deeply loved.

Then why is this so hard for me to receive?

At times, I felt unsure about how I should feel when I sinned. I wasn't sure whether I should be writhing in guilt or if I should just chill and move on knowing I'm covered in grace. On one side, I felt like I was slipping back into bad habits and lies that the only way I could prove myself to God was to beat myself down until I was nothing. While on the other hand, I felt like the only way to show God I took His Son's sacrifice on the cross seriously was to just casually accept it and move on.

Ultimately, I struggled with wanting to feel bad that I hurt God by sinning against Him and having it drive me to godly repentance rather than paralyzing me in fear of approaching Him. I honestly was at such a loss as to what to do and was unsure how to ask people around me for advice, so I turned to scripture.

These past several days I've been following a devotion from She Reads Truth titled "Women in the Word: New Testament". It came out a while ago, but I felt bad about starting the Lent devotion late, so I picked this one on a whim instead - the title seemed relevant to me (a woman) who desperately was searching for answers (in the Word).

Saturday's devotion was about the adulterous woman who was brought before Jesus by some Pharisees that sought to stone her; she had been caught in the midst of having an affair and by Jewish law should be condemned to death. They brought her to Jesus to try to trip him up: would he spare her life and defy the law, or would he cruelly stone her and justify their beliefs?

Yet Jesus offered a different option: "'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her' ... But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.'" (John 8:7, 9-11)

The devotion instructed me to read John 8:1-11 twice, and upon the second reading it finally clicked for me: I receive freedom when I bring my sin before the Lord because he has already forgiven me; there is nowhere else for me to hide or go, there is no one else who will take the burden of sin from me - it is only Christ alone.

Here this woman stood before Jesus and her accusers vulnerable and shameful and guilty, yet Jesus clears them all away until he's just left with her standing before him. I visualized how she only saw him now and how powerful that must've been - to stand in the very presence of the Lord Himself completely guilty and drenched in sin. Yet he tenderly speaks to her and does not condemn her; in fact, he forgives her and sends her out so that she may no longer carry on in her sin - she was saved and set free.

Romans 8:1 says that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" because He has paid for all our sins on the cross, including all the condemnation and guilt and shame that we deserved - so now, we are free.

This internal struggle I've been wrestling with was because I tried to bear the cost of my sin on my shoulders rather than hand it over to Christ. It is not my burden to bear for my debt has already been paid; I've already been forgiven. I'm learning how necessary it is to preach the gospel to myself daily, and that the same love Christ displayed to this woman is the kind of love that is also available to me - always.