How Past Failures Become Present Blessings

It's been quite some time since I've last written on here and much has happened since last year. Here's a quick run-down:

• In mid-June, I had to decline the offer to serve Syrian refugees in Lebanon as a result of insufficient funds and lack of financial support. The cost of the trip would have placed my family and I in debt, and I felt my heart grow hard towards people who didn't support me. I didn't want that bitterness to grow and destroy my relationships with them, so - after many tears and even more prayers - I said I wasn't going.

• However - because God is so good - I was able to visit my friends in California for the GLDI annual reunion and meet several amazing students from the 2016 class. It was such a blessing to be reminded of my own time at GLDI and how much God restored me through those 40 days in Costa Mesa, CA. It was encouraging to be able to hear from students their shared struggles and blessings since graduating from GLDI, and just reminded me that though trials come that God is still faithful.

• Then, in mid-July two black men were killed by police and my heart shattered as I pictured my own father possibly never returning from work. He is a model worker: hard-working, constantly respectful, always seeking to help people. I was deeply saddened that none of those characteristics would save him from the fearful judgement or scrutinizing gaze of an officer who believed he "fit the description" simply because he's black. I wept, prayed, lamented, and repented with my mother and friends. As I read through the book of Judges, I thought about how our society was starting to look more and more like the times of great brokenness, disaster, and unrighteousness, and it made me even more desperate to cling to the hope of the gospel.

• Towards the end of August, I was deeply moved and convicted to snap out of my neglectfulness towards reading the Bible and praying regularly and just became consumed with the desire to read the Word. It was a hunger that could not be satiated in a matter of minutes, but would often take over 40 minutes at a time to truly savor and enjoy. I plunged straight into the New Testament with a deep hunger in my heart because I wanted to truly know more about Jesus on an intimate level and thought nothing would change this longing.

• Then, from mid-September until mid-December I was tested - repeatedly.

• In both ministries I led, only 1-3 people showed up; it was a record low for both ministries and I tried to take it in stride but it was hard not to feel like it was somehow my fault that I lacked in some way for people not to show up. This thinking, paired with my own insecurities of not being fully understood, led me to a spiritual low-point where I wasn't sure what "community" was supposed to look like for me. "Can I demand for people to care about me? Is that too much? No... I should be selfless and not complain... yet, I feel so lonely." I truly wrestled with and struggled with these thoughts for weeks until retreat, which was specifically about seeing Jesus as Immanuel - God WITH us. From then on I truly felt like He was with me as I suffered from spiritual warfare over the next several weeks.

• First, my body was attacked: I got a fever, chills, lost my voice (what I use to worship God) for a full two weeks after worshiping at another event, and eventually a swollen eye. My body truly felt like it was breaking down from within. During this season, I really had to rely on others to help me; I could no longer try to walk this journey of faith alone, so I reached out to those around me - and they responded. From this experience, I began to better understand what community looked like and slowly began the process of being more vulnerable by putting myself out there.

• After this, I went into a month and half long battle with my grades. Never had I been through such a trying period like this before - it truly was astounding. No matter how late I stayed up, no matter how much I spoke up in class, no matter how respectful I was to my professor - he still would fail my papers (the man failed my midterm and then lightly mocked me when I brought it up to him during office hour... yeah). I was frustrated and angry because as I prayed the Lord only confirmed that this, too, was a test. "How much weight was I going to place in my grades? How much of my identity was I tying to them? Whose approval was I truly seeking?" So, with tentative hands I relinquished control over to God. I let it go: the grades, the tests, the difficulties. Those last few weeks of school were the most liberating I had felt all semester; it was as if a weight had been lifted off of me. I started to really see my identity for what is was: complete and enough in Christ.

• Recently, over winter break, I have been faced with many convictions to sink deep into my identity in Christ, to remember the first love that I had this past summer, and to develop a deeper discipline in living out my faith. Since January, I've been committed to reading my Word, praying, and reading my devotions and it has been an extremely humbling period - many hidden parts of myself were finally being exposed for what they were. It has DEFINITELY not been easy. There have been many times that I wanted to give up. But then I am reminded of the gospel; I remember reading about how Jesus faithfully obeyed the Father's will even to the point of staying on the cross for my sins. He didn't have to go there, he didn't have to endure it - but he did for my sake, for your sake, for the world's sake. He knew exactly what he was doing because he saw the greater victory that was to come: he defeated the power of death and sin forever, and made it possible for ALL people to know him deeply, intimately, and personally; He saved the world.

As I reflect on this past semester and all that I've written so far, I am reminded of how God truly redeems us. I was such a broken mess this past semester - just wretched in every way. Yet God picked up the pieces of my weary and tattered life that was so easy to dismiss, gave it a purpose, and used it to shine His glory. For that, I am forever His - and He is forever mine.

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.'' - James 1:12