Apologize, Forgive, Release, Repeat

It has been quite some time since I've written on here. At the beginning, I made the commitment to write once a week on here, however, as with most things, life got in the way. But the journey I've been on these past several months has truly been transformative, challenging, and continuous. It started last semester when I was really struggling to forgive someone in my life. Anyone that knows me knew what I was going through and saw me fall apart several times. I felt like I had to carry this big weight of anger, frustration, and bitterness and couldn't find a place to properly put it down without being judged. There was no one around me who experienced what I went through and no one who could offer the advice to really soothe my tired, weary soul. In that one semester, I not only built walls around my heart and pushed people away, but had to learn to destroy them at the same time. Brick by painful brick. It wasn't until I left campus that I felt like I finally found some relief. Over winter break, I remember laying down on my bed as I prayed to God. I told Him, "Please take this from me. I am angry because no one can understand. I am frustrated that I can't forgive easily and hinder showing love to others. I hate what I've become and I NEED You. I'm so, so, so tired. Please, help me." In that exact moment, the Lord and I made a covenant. I would relinquish the pain in my heart for the peace He had in store for me. I wouldn't fight the process, but trust that He would heal and restore the areas of my broken and weary heart, mind, and soul. Today, I can attest that He has fulfilled all of those things and more. In this semester alone, I've had to reconcile and forgive four people; each one felt more difficult than the last. But, each one felt more freeing than the last, too. In the end, I was able to forgive the one person I hated the most, too: myself. I hated that I had become someone I barely recognized last semester and that I had pushed so many people away. But, I've had to learn to show myself more grace and patience because I am being continually grown, stretched, and sanctified daily. I will make mistakes and fail, but I am free from the weight of guilt and shame that comes with them. Last week, God spoke to me and gave me a new identity: Peace. When He spoke those words over me, I immediately felt released from all my doubts, fears, and anxiety. I entered into a new level of intimacy with Him and haven't felt this level of internal solace in a long time. I was reminded of Psalm 23 and how it says in verses 2 - 3 that "He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake." God MAKES me have rest. It is not something that I can do in my own strength. He imparts peace into my life in order for him to do the work He wants to complete in me: to become more like Christ. I am truly thankful that I have been released from the expectations I have made for myself, or from the ones made by others, and that I can enter into a place of quiet waters, of green pastures, and of righteous paths. God is so good. #SoliDeoGloria