When Passivity Leads To Loneliness

I must admit: I hate confrontation. It's just not in my nature to disrupt the norm and cause people to feel uncomfortable, especially when it's my feeling involved. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm always the last to speak up if someone hurts my feelings. I just take it onto myself and unhealthily blame myself for not "understanding" or "loving" this person enough. It's led me to make terrible mistakes in the past, some that I'm still dealing with even now as I prepare myself for post-college life. But, that's another post entirely. Ironically, these past two years I've developed a voice that's more than willing to speak up against injustice. I realized that I could no longer remain silent as more of my black and brown brothers and sisters turned into hashtags; I could no longer remain silent as my indigenous and First Nation brothers and sisters' lands were polluted as the result of corporate greed; I could no longer remain silent as my Asian brothers and sisters lacked the representation they fully deserved, thus erasing the problems they face in their communities. I could no longer remain silent. And, yet. I still am in my daily life; I am still silent on the issues that attack my personal space. It's so much easier to bring up systemic issues and injustices, but the moment any problems affect me personally I just shut up. Why? I fear people will judge me, or worse - leave me. I fear people won't love me because I wasn't "strong" enough to withstand their crap or understand who they are. This great fear leads me to feel so alone even in the midst of being in a crowded room. I feel like at any moment the people I hold dear in my life will disappear, and that it would be my fault. And, yet. God has been healing me. He's been drawing me closer and closer to Himself in those moments of utter loneliness and fear. He's taught me about a Man, Who loved me so, so much more than I could imagine or ever hope to find on this earth, and that He loved me so much that He died for me on a cross. I'm rendered speechless every time. I just don't understand it. I think back to every instance, every moment when I felt completely in despair over losing a friend over an insignificant issue - thinking I would be hopelessly alone forever - and I'm just overwhelmed with guilt that He still chose to die for me despite my selfishness. I was so blinded by my own insecurity that I couldn't even see the blessing that I had been given - an eternal, patient, unconditional, and loving relationship with the Father. I'm just ... speechless. However, I still struggle with my insecurities - even now I've been in this season of somber introspection these past two weeks about how I view community and relationships - and I realize that I have a long way to go in this process of sanctification and restoration. Yet, I know that He will restore. And, He will wait. Because He is faithful. Now, then, and into eternity.