When Loving Hurts

“It’s hard to let go. Even when what you’re holding onto is full of thorns, it’s hard to let go. Maybe especially then.” ― Stephen King, Joyland

Valentine's Day has always been uneventful for me. For the majority of them I've spent it with friends jokingly celebrating our singleness, but recently I've spent the past two years reflecting on my previous relationships and thinking about the future. In order to move forward, I have to reflect and let go of the past.

And what a past it was... (**trigger warning**)

As I've mentioned before, I was in a rather emotionally abusive and physically violating relationship during my time in college. It was a season of many hurts, pains, and confusion as I tried to navigate through my first "real" relationship since my junior year in high school. I thought I was mature enough, old enough, and wise enough to handle a new relationship with someone I thought was a "real" Christian; I thought that our relationship would be truly Christ-centered; I thought I knew what I was doing - I was wrong.

I never - and I mean NEVER - expected to be involved in an abusive relationship. It never crossed my mind, I mean, I was always told how loved I was by my mother and she always affirmed my worth, value, and beauty. Yet, I still struggled with deep insecurities of not feeling entirely worthy enough; I always was afraid of people leaving me because of who I am or for minor mistakes that I've done. I was in a constant balancing act of walking along a tightrope of uncertainty, fear, and approval. I thought that if I acted a certain way that people liked, then they would stay and not reject me. If I'm being honest, I would say that I still feel like that sometimes - I never know when people will just up and leave me because of who I am.

So I just accepted that as part of who I was, which was why it was so easy for someone to manipulate that in the worst way. Growing up, I thought the signs of abuse were only explicit: hitting, punching, grabbing. I never knew that hate disguised as love could take on some many forms. I thought I knew what abuse looked like, but in reality:

• It looks like being guilted into having someone sleep over in your bed because they don't like the couch

• It looks like making you feel unsure about yourself because they make sure to place their priorities above yours

• It looks like being silenced when they tell you not to complain about your problems because theirs are worse

• It looks like being told that you should dress more like their family members and stop "trying to look cool"

• It looks like getting into an argument because you didn't finish eating the food they bought you the way they wanted you to

• It feels like relief when they're not around because you can finally eat how you want without being judged

• It looks like merging your schedules to take up all of your free time from your friends in order to spend "quality time together"

• It looks like hearing them complaining about when you do spend time with your friends instead of them

• It looks like being told they're grateful you look "mixed" and "can pass" to their parents, even though you're not

• It feels like their hand sliding up your shirt in public, on your couch, in your room when you've told them to stop

• It feels like hearing them say they couldn't resist touching you because when they hug you "it's hard not to cop a feel"

• It feels like it's all your fault that it happened - again - because "you invited them over and should know" how they are

• It feels like fatigue from trying all night to get some sleep after they violated your body - again - while they sleep next to you

• It feels like apathy when you give in because it's easier than fighting against them

• It feels like an ocean of tears and valleys of regret that creep into your mind after they leave in the morning

• It looks like having to explain to your friends that the bruise on your face isn't from them hitting you, but from them mark- I mean - kissing you

• It looks like not listening to your friends when you tell them everything that's happening because you've already memorized the list of excuses you're going to say

• It looks like trying to find the right words to say for five hours to end the relationship only for them to say "no, let's wait another year" after they threaten to abandon and ignore you if you break up

But your body, mind, and soul eventually collapse and cry out a resounding, weary, and defining, "NO!"

It took me seven months to finally listen to God's quiet voice, the voices of my friends, and to the months of guilt that I had been feeling in order to finally say, "I'm done". It took me such a long time mainly because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was surrounded by so many outwardly successful relationships that I thought breaking up would be disastrous for me, and thought no one would take me seriously as a leader if I couldn't handle my own relationship. So, I decided to stay and forgive and bury and forget all that was going on until my soul could no longer take it anymore. I just couldn't allow my soul to be further dragged down into this pit of despair any longer; I had to be real with myself and ask, "What are you doing? Why are you here? Why are you staying?" When I couldn't give an answer, I knew what I had to do: leave.

And I did. But, for another year I had to act as though I was perfectly fine in front of everyone while having this person in my personal space - again. I told no one in the fellowship what had happened, so to them everything was okay. But inwardly... I was not only dying, I was enraged; I shook with anger; I boiled over with fury; I could set a room on fire and burn it down and still not feel satisfied. I just could not believe that I was purposefully protecting the very person who hurt me from other people's judgements - once AGAIN placing them over myself. I just couldn't believe it. How much more could my soul take?

So, I caved and gave up my stubborn attempt at self-reliance and finally turned to God, to my sisters-in-Christ, and to music. I could finally explain away all that I was feeling without fear, without judgment, and without worrying about what others thought of me. As a result, I am much more whole than I was last year and was even able to begin to forgive the person as well as myself. I may not be completely healed, but I know that my Healer lives and walks beside me as He restores my daily brokenness.

As I reflect on these past two years, I've realized that God has a weird way of comforting us. I actually started this blog in the midst of all that anger. I remember not knowing where to place my thoughts and so I turned to blogging my prayers, thoughts, and meditations. As I reread all of my past posts, I just pondered on God's faithfulness because even in the midst of such brokenness, He shined through and truly restored so much of my life. He truly uses utterly broken things to carry His greatest treasures.

If I were to be honest a year ago, I did not think I would be where I am today: joyful and hopeful.

I am joyful about the gospel and what it has done in my life. It has sustained, renewed, and revived me when I was in the very depths of my valleys and encouraged me to keep going. I am hopeful for all that God has in store for me spiritually, professionally, and - yes - relationally. God knows how much I have had to endure, so I know without ANY doubt that the man who He sends to come into my life will truly reflect His heart; his hands will only heal and restore, and his words will only comfort and encourage.

I hope my testimony would not only encourage young women who have been/are in similar situations to get help, but also young men to be their brother's keeper, to call out these behaviors they see amongst one another, and to repent if they have/are doing these behaviors to someone. Sometimes abuse can be hiding in plain sight - a raised voice, a hug that's too tight, constant hovering - and that's why we must not be afraid to say something. For when one part of the body aches, the whole body hurts. May this Valentine's Day make us strive to be kind and compassionate to one another in a God-honoring way and with a righteous love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7